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Google Withdraws $4.7 Million Bid For Spatula Of Death
Spatula Of Death Community Deemed Vulgar, Balance Sheet An "April Fools' Joke"
Unfortunately, it has become apparent that the Spatula Of Death community is both vulgar and insane. Shortly after the announcement of the transaction, several dozen Spatula Of Death users sent their own feces to Google headquarters via FedEx. They expressed their disapproval of the deal, in notes laced with some of the most vulgar profanity the Google mail room has ever heard. This is quite an achievement, as half of the mail room staff used to work at the docks.
"The Spatula Of Death management team seemed so professional and technically savvy," said Eric Schmidt, Chief Executive Officer of Google. "They were very excited about the transaction. They told us of their plans to go out and buy their dream cars, PT Cruisers that play La Cucaracha when you honk the horn. You can tell, this is a management team that has poured their hearts into their buegeoning community. Their work ethic and competence was clearly enormous. So it really shocked us to discover their user base was so depraved."
Another stumbling block for the deal was the Spatula Of Death financial situation. During a meeting between executives of both companies, the management team of Spatula Of Death revealed that the balance sheet they had previously shown Google was an elaborate "April Fools' Joke," and that in fact the site had no assets to speak of and no revenue. To the surprise of the Spatula Of Death team, the Google exceutives did not find this joke to be particularly funny. They revised their offer downwards to $1.7 million. Sensing a bluff, the Spatula Of Death team feigned indignation and left the room. At this point, Google reluctantly decided not to proceed with the acquisition.
"Our community, eccentric as they might be, is enthusiastic and committed to the unique experience Spatula of Death provides. By joining forces with Google, we would be able to open this community more readily to others who have an axe to grind. I think the combination would show that, as the old saying goes, rotisserie chicken abuse really is for everybody," said John. J. Valjon, VP of Marketing, Spatula Of Death. "I think Google is really missing out by punking us like this. You watch, in five years, we'll be buying them. You can go ahead and write that down on a dated index card, fold it twice, and shove it up your contextually relevant ass."
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